Being & Becoming

Cultivating Inspiration, Creativity, and a Life on Purpose


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A Tale of Two Solstices

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I’ve always craved warmth and sunlight-especially in times of need. On the summer solstice in 2014, I was studying with my favorite teacher, Shiva Rea, on the island of Santorini in Greece. On that day, we trekked up Skaros, a large rock formation on the west coast of the island, so that we’d have and unobstructed view of the sun for our solstice meditation. We set up facing west, Shiva gave us a mantra, and we began.

At this time, I was dealing with very difficult emotions and issues in my life.  The Grecian sun and Aegean sea had been very soothing to me the previous week as I wrested with these things, but it had reached a point where nothing could fully harbor my attention.

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I tried to stay just with the mantra, but my mind was unable to focus. I was sitting at a crossroad in my life, knowing that a decision I was wrestling with would change the entire trajectory of what I’d do, who I’d become, and my emotional landscape. With each breath, I bathed in increasingly golden light, softly chanting, hoping a concrete answer would come to me. In that moment of greatest light and highest energy, there was only a small seed of knowing the difficulty the coming darkness would bring, especially embarking on that journey alone for the first time in nearly a decade. At that time, being in the warmth and light made it easier to consider a risk, change, emotional pain. I made a choice. From day moment on, the light began to wane, and I embarked on an increasingly dim path.

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It has been a beautiful and terrifying jaunt into the shadows, which I, at times, resisted very strongly. This was often warranted, because I really wasn’t ready emotionally. But, more and more, I experimented with “the only way out is through”. And truly, I went through some things- but that’s another blog post entirely.

As the second summer solstice approached, I realized there was a part of me that wanted some coldness, that wanted some darkness. It was a transformative summer-the best one I’ve ever had. Yet I found myself craving coolness, turning inward, and finally embracing the dark.

A few days ago, a friend mentioned his interest in going into a sensory deprivation tank, as a new place had opened up nearby. I am claustrophobic, afraid of the dark, and don’t like being out of control. Or, rather, I’ve historically defined myself as being these things. In that moment, I was struck with a different understanding of what I am- without fear, speculation, or hesitation, I and called and booked an appointment. I was ready.

For those of you who don’t know, a sensory deprivation tank is literally a tank of super dense salt water (which allows one to float) with a lid to cut out all light. Earplugs are provided. It’s marketed as a very relaxing experience, but I’ve always been far more interested in what the mind might create with no external stimulation- a totally dark canvas, ready to be painted with the electricity of the mind. The thing is, what comes out is what’s there- one’s mindset affects what one sees. Here’s how I felt just before:

Upon arrival, the tank was much bigger than I anticipated, and had a light inside:

I disrobed, took a shower, and  placed my ear plugs in, which initially felt very jarring- I’m hyper attuned to sound, and felt less in control, but the shock quickly waned. I entered the tank and was surprised by how dense the water really was. The light was dim and soothing (Except for the three times I accidentally turned on the strobing function while trying to darken it a little more, and as a result, managed to get stinging salt water in my eyes. I’m terribly curious as to why that feature has not yet been disabled).

During this time, I let myself get accustomed to the sensation of floating, and I let the things in the forefront of my mind run rampant- I bought the ticket, took the ride, and let the damn thing run out of gas. My mind was slowing down, and moving in less predictable directions.  Gradually, much like the way the natural world shifts to shorter days, I closed the lid more and more. Finally, I all but shut it. I turned off the light.

I was surprised by how calm I felt- I really expected I’d have a more dramatic story to tell. The gentle transition made it feel like a womb- a safe place to incubate, to be held while on a journey, to explore. In this release, strange images started flickering in my mind. Questions arose. Some darker things began to come out of my mind and let me know they were still there. I stayed with it. It seems the real journey had just begun when music softly started to play, indicating that the 90 minutes was up.

I emerged slowly. Pressing the lid up gently, I let the blueish light pour in and bathe me.  I washed off the salty water; redressed; put on sunglasses. And then, I walked out into the bright sunlight, and smiled a little bit-I’m okay in the light, and I’m okay in the dark. There’s still a lot of darkness for me to explore and release into, but I honor and appreciate this further initiation of moving into, moving through, rather than pulling away.  Knowing that it can’t last forever, that it’s getting a little brighter, makes all of the difference.

In ancient times, I can understand why the celebration of the winter solstice had so much gravitas- sure, you could light some candles, but there were no guarantees,  and the scope of illumination was much more limited on a non-festival day.  I had to work to find true darkness, and was able to ease into it.  I can only imagine the joy and hope that came into understanding that the light would begin to return for people who experienced continued  darkness.

 

 

So, today, and for the winter as a whole, I ask you, dear reader-

What does darkness feel like for you?

How do you embrace it?

How do you celebrate the solstice?


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Why am I Doing This? / The Art of Becoming

 Aside from the obvious reasons why one might want to move to Paris (beauty, chocolate, art, poodles, functional public transportation), I’ve come here to perform a giant experiment.  It’s pretty simple- I’m going to see if devoting my life to the things that matter most (and make me feel most alive) will help me become the person I want to be.

Many of these things I write about below absolutely could have done at home. But, as a perfectionistic procrastinator, I recognized the opportunity to move to Europe as an opportunity to eliminate my recurring distractions and excuses for my avoidant behavior. Here, I have the time to do the things that matter most to me. Now that I’m settled in, I could not successfully argue otherwise.

I do not want to waste this opportunity; So, I’ve written down exactly what I want to do while abroad- . How I will live, what I will do, and what I want to become. This is my plan to live my passions.

In the next year, I plan to…

4) Take advantage of my location and explore the world. My wanderlust and desire for new experiences has been steadily rising for years. I want to wander through the markets of Marrakech, get bundled up and see the Northern Lights, dip my feet in the Mediterranean from multiple different countries’ coast lines. I want to find new inspiration and ideas.

The very first time I stepped into the Mediterranean sea. January, 2011.

The very first time I stepped into the Mediterranean sea. January, 2011.

3) Research and experiment with ways to cultivate creativity through different media. I want to become an expert on ways to unleash creativity. In my work as a clinician, I always felt that unleashing creativity and using creative endeavors as a way to facilitate sublimation could help people in pain find agency, accomplishment, and emotional freedom. I often wish I studied art therapy. This will be my independent study. I will be the guinea pig, but I invite you, the reader, to experiment along with me.

How could painting make you a better writer?  How could dancing make you a better musician?

How could painting make you a better writer? How could dancing make you a better musician?

2)Deepen my understanding of yoga through practice, reading, and reflection. I also want to integrate more creative development into my teaching.

Photo by the talented Joe Longo.

Photo by the talented Joe Longo.

1) Devote time EVERY SINGLE DAY to practicing music, and become proficient enough to play on stage without issue. This is the single most important reason I’ve left everything I’ve established;this means so much to me, that in the past, it was easier to not devote time to it than devote a smaller amount of time and risk failure. Though I have a larger goal, the main emphasis will be to do it every day- to be with it, with out attachment to the outcome. 

It's flamenco and/or psych-rock time.

It’s flamenco and/or psych-rock time.


So, readers, I invite you to publicly state the dreams and passions closest to your heart- to put it out there, to allow your vision into the mind and hearts of others, and we collectively witness and support one another as we move into action. I would be honored and excited to read what you would like to become.